Moustache Unplugged #13

hehehe...undetected, I seize the opportunity to work on my letter...

Dear World Cup Officials,

Yes, here in the United States of America, football is a homegrown sport highlighted by the Super Bowl which involves an oblong ball and a WHOLE lot of rock 'em, sock 'em physical contact. Futbol throughout the rest of world is highlighted by the World Cup which involves a round, NASA-designed, aerodynamic ball and a WHOLE lot of running with minimal physical contact. I attempted to watch some World Cup action and quickly discovered there's alot about the sport that I simply do not understand...

What appears to be slight brushing between players is portrayed by one as if a dump truck at highway speed smashed into him. I noticed a whistle is sometimes blown and the ball is spotted where play quickly resumes and the victimized player somehow reincarnates and blazes down the enormous field like a cheetah pursuing a gazelle. Other times as the player performs his death convulsions, play is uninterrupted as the player glances at officials looking for any sympathy.  Upon discovering calloused officials, the player somehow rises from the ashes and incredibly transforms back into the sprinting cheetah. It seems like penalties should accompany the poorer actors...

Offsides?  What is that in soccer?  I suggest doing away with the rule since it seems to terminate exciting moments when the violating team seizes a prime opportunity to knock the ball into the net.

Out of bounds?  The clock never stops, so who cares? Continue play as if it was indoor soccer.

A player heading the ball and scoring?  Make it worth 2 points since it is more difficult than delivering a swift kick.

How about the famous upside down and backward Pele' kick from years ago?  Such kicks should be worth 3 or 4 points due to the added studliness involved.

Yellow cards?  Whatever....

Tie scores?  C'mon! What about sudden death where the next goal determines the winner or having a shootout on each goalie?  There's no room for ties in the World Cup.

And, here's the ultimate head-scratcher. America loses to Germany today, but ADVANCES in the tournament? What is happening?  Has America's pathetic "Everyone is a winner" mentality infected the World Cup?  Go ahead, give the team a pretty participation ribbon and send them home.  May I suggest going back to schoolyard rules from years ago: if you lose, you lose...better luck next time.

Simple as that.

I guess I'll stick to football where a touchdown is 6 points, a point after is 1 point, a field goal is worth 3 and a safety is worth 2 points.  Plus, offisdes is obvious and out of bounds has meaning. 

And, losers are losers. 

But, I confess, the punters and kickers in American football probably provide private acting lessons on how to embellish contact from another player in order to convince referees that life-support equipment might be needed... how embarrassing.

Thanks for listening,
The Moustache