Moustache Unplugged #23

hehehe....undetected, I take the opportunity to work on my letter.....

Dear Shameful Hunter,

Look at him!  Grace and beauty have been replaced by glazed, partially opened eyes.  Like a plush piece of red carpet, his thick tongue is unnaturally rolled out of the corner of his mouth with coagulated blood sloppily spattered throughout his heavy nape of neck guard hairs.
I quizzically look at your outfit humming down the highway.  A monster diesel truck with 4 doors and over-sized tires with a bed heaped full of containers, covered with a camouflage tarp secured by a huge spider web of ropes. I caught a glimpse of you driving.  Super-manly whiskery stubble broadcasts your roughing it for a week or two as your overweight belly lightly rubs the steering wheel. Various stickers in the back window, ranging from fishing, hunting or waterfowl themes, tell everyone you’re the envy of all outdoors men. Plus, of course, you must advertise that no one will take your guns unless they're pried from your cold, dead hands.  Before whistling past me, I noticed in my rear view mirror, your fancy custom grill guard with the massive winch, possibly never used, being the focal point.  On each side view mirror, over sized radio antennas are bent in the wind and mud flaps telling everyone to “Back Off” flail behind the rear tires.  Equally impressive is your trailer.
Crosswise down your trailer are four 4-wheelers, each having plastic rifle scabbards stabbing high into the sky. But, these are not the 4-wheelers of years ago.  These closely resemble small, sporty off-road vehicles complete with windshields, winches and fancy seats.  I dare not Google what they cost and what amenities are offered as I speculate heated seats and a heated steering wheel are expensive options to make your hunt more comfortable.

As you pass, drafting tightly behind you, is an equally impressive truck bearing the same out of state license plate.  But, this dual wheeled diesel beast is burdened by pulling the mobile hunting lodge.  Tinted windows on the truck, also slathered with outdoorsy stickers, conceal occupants but black smoke belching out the tailpipe tells everyone the engine is working hard yanking the humongous trailer up the grade.  Its fifth wheel reaches forward and dips into the bed of the truck and I notice several sections on the trailer where slide-outs are closed, but must double the square footage when parked and extended.  Triple axles also tell everyone, this thing is the cat’s meow for accommodations.  I’m sure a satellite dish is laying flat on the roof beside the heating/air conditioning unit and the hot water heater could provide scalding showers to an infantry of men. 
Quite the rig.

Am I jealous? No, but good for you for having the ability to afford such luxury.  I’m far from materialistic, but am thoroughly DISGUSTED by your pompous disregard to nature and giving hunters a bad name!

It’s been 2 weeks since seeing your rigs and I’ve calmed enough not to cuss and be totally inappropriate.  The trophy bull elk you prominently displayed to everyone by having his decapitated head on top of your tarp is intolerable.  Strictly based on his huge main beams, enormous brow tines, and sweeping arc of the massive antlers, he was the King of the Forest.  At least I hope he was, otherwise, you went to a game farm where dozens of replicas passively graze like cattle as you picked him off.  If he was taken from the wild, did you even break a sweat?  Or did you tear up the forest with your 4-wheelers hoping the quantity of miles covered equates to quality of hunting.  Did you field dress the majestic animal?  Regardless, whoever did forgot that a trophy head will also sour and rot just like the carcass.  Based on your license plate, I’m guessing that by the time you get home, you will have a gooey, stinking mess to contend with where a full head mount will be out of the question.  But, you sure looked like a hotshot driving home while parading the magnificent animal.

But, thanks for visiting the state as hunters provide an incredible boost to the economy and also provide a necessary management tool.  Since we humans have totally disrupted Nature’s check and balance of predators and prey, hunting is necessary.  Harvesting game is required, but the total disrespect you demonstrated leaves a very bad taste in most motorists who saw you.  That bitter taste is not isolated strictly to you personally, but ripples across the label of hunters in general and I NEVER want to be associated to anything close in resembling you.

Do Better!
The Moustache